The Truth About the Great Pacific Garbage Patch

So a buddy of mine calls me up the other day on my flyphone to tell me all about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

“It’s like an island of trash in the ocean. Supposed to be twice the size of Texas! An island! Give it a year and BAM! Starbucks and Walmart are gonna put down roots right in the middle of the Pacific.”

I knew the answers but god help me, I had to ask him anyway. “An island? So we could see it from Google Earth? Or take a boat out to this garbage patch and play hacky-sac with someone’s old water bottle?”

” Um . . . maybe you didn’t hear me,” he said. “You could put a Starbucks on it.”

Far away, on Planet B, little green men are crowding around a laptop in Starflux, watching footage via satellite of me and my friend and this ridiculous conversation. They are laughing. And pointing. Laughing and pointing and holding their jiggling alien bellies. In my mind, a very smug and cranky alien (ol’ Douchey McDouchebag) snarls and says, “One day those dumb earthlings are gonna blow themselves up. Thank Flod we got Michael Jackson out in time. All we need now is Chuck Norris.”

First of all, my friend isn’t stupid. People do this all the time. They see a catchy headline and fill in their own details before telling someone else about it. Or, worse, they DO bother getting the details but their crappy media source glosses over the truth and fills in the rest with unnecessary crap.

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is not a “Patch” or an “Island”, as many headlines claim. You can’t see it from Google Earth. We can’t sink it or collect it in a giant net and pull it out of the ocean. I mean, Chuck Norris could, but he’s busy slamming revolving doors and throwing random children into the sun. You could search all over the internet to find out the truth about the garbage patch or you could just see it right here:

See the blog post. (But come right back.)

So that’s it. Plastic in the Pacific Ocean has photodegraded, breaking down into smaller and smaller bits, making the North Pacific Subtropical Gyre look like a kaleidoscope of garbage. These small bits of plastic are easily ingested by birds and aquatic life. Sure, you could recycle more plastic or spread the word so your friends will, or – if you’re feeling lazy -you could pull a David de Rothschild and build a 60 foot ship out of 10,000 empty 2-liter plastic soda bottles and sail it 12,000 miles from San Fransisco to Sydney. Which means, one of the areas that the ship will pass through is the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Slacker De Rothschild is calling this voyage the “Plastiki Expedition” and will be partnering up with plenty of scientists and storytellers, one of whom is environmental scientist Josian Heyerdahl, granddaughter of Thor Heyerdahl, who pulled off the Kon-Tiki expedition. (Which was okay if you think that redefining the way the world views exploration is a big deal.) De Rothschild and other members of his crew hope that the Plastiki Expedition will be as inspiring, and that it will call the world’s attention to the ways in which we view waste and use plastic. (SPOILER ALERT: We have room for improvement.)

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Deals and Dirt: What Happens to Our Garbage?

Ahem. On July 4th we’ll be having a 25% off sale on all of our shirts. Just use your greedy little paws to enter the discount code 1776. You’re welcome.

Now for the real dirt.

You might want to sit down.

I recently decided to ask people if they knew what happened to their garbage after it got tossed in the trash can. My quest began with my 42 year old neighbor, who claimed that the Garbage Fairy was responsible for cleaning up after us. She managed to explain this idea to me between swigs of Long Island Iced Tea.

“The magical Garbage Fairy is kin to (hic) the Recycling Fairy, you know? She arrives on garbage day in her enchanted garbage truck once a week and empties my trash cans. Then she totes my old plastic bags and egg cartons off to her (hic) secret lair. Who knows where she hides her treasures or what crazy uses she has for them? I once left a note in my trash can with the suggestion that she use them to build a (hic) quieter vehicle, but the sly gal never answered. C’est la vie. In the end, she’s happy; I’m happy – it’s a beautiful relationship.”

Right. After I left her house I called my Dad to ask him the same thing and, let’s face it, to make fun of my neighbor.

“Isn’t that the most pathetic thing you’ve ever heard, Dad?”
“Hmmm?”
“Dad. You do know where your garbage goes after you’re done with it, right?”
“Oh yeah, yeah. In the trash can.”
“But after that. After it’s picked up.”
“. . . by the Garbage Fairy?”
“Are you fucking with me?”
“ (hic)”

That’s it.  I’d ask the rest of you in person but I’ve lost all hope in humanity. Redeem it, please.

The amount of things getting thrown away every day that could be recycled is insane. One of our fans obviously feels the same way, and has sent in a photo of herself wearing our “WTF? Recycle Already!” shirt.

Thanks for the love. Send in your own photos, videos or links that you want us to check out and we’ll reward you with a claim to fame right here.

Coming soon: More garbage and we give you dirt about inspiring people who are living green in unbelievably EXTREME ways.

Here’s to being trashy in the best way possible,
The Fly

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